The Nightclub Dictionary: Volume 1

Posted on November 23, 2010 by


I’m not a big clubber. Yes, I like to dance it out like Mikhail Baryshnikov on crack.

(Though he only did it to impress Kentucky Derby winner Sarah Jessica Parker, his trusty steed on Sex and the City.)

I don’t even frequent the trendier “chill” spots that often. Usually the music is turned up loud enough to prevent real conversation, I’m guessing because if it wasn’t you’d realize that most of the people are so shallow and transparent they could easily pass as the love children of Paris Hilton and Casper the Friendly Ghost.

And the drinks are a wee bit expensive.

Last night I saw one man order a vodka and soda, then immediately take out a knife, remove his own kidney, and hand it to the bar tender.

So, since I’m too much a pauper to drink, and too cynical to attempt a conversation in that setting, I decided to spend my time at this spot developing a special vocabulary for clubs:

Barney (n.)—tipsy bar monkey who has drank enough cough syrup and codeine to kill a flock of rhinoceroses; known to shout out Three 6 Mafia lyrics from their purple-green lips, despite their upper middle class suburban upbringing; observed using words such as “crunk” and “swagger” with higher than normal frequency.

Beer Zombie (n.)—stumbling buffoon, usually male, who scoots across the club muttering unintelligible quotes from Varsity Blues; cautiously approach, they have a predisposition for ramming you and dousing you in Paspt Blue Ribbon

Captain Hook (n.)—hyper-aggressive male that uses non-drinking arm to immobile and encircle brainless females.

Juice Couch (n.)—a couch that squishes when you sit on it; do not sit or look at in the daytime.

Shadow Model (n.)—chick (or dude) that looks like Eva Longoria in the club but Brooke Hogan under the streetlight.

Shot Vulture (n.)—boisterous female donning brown furry boots and glitter lip balm, who has the ability to teleport in between you and your friends just as your drinks have been delivered; often a Shadow Model, she has the ability to convince you to feed her one of those drinks for free.