5 Posts That Justify Facebook News Feed Banning

Posted on April 23, 2011 by

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5. Poop Go Down the Hole.

Any mention of your bowels, potty experience, or generally anything involving bodily expulsions. I’m not your mother. I don’t care. And neither does Facebook.

4. Crazy Una-Bomber Political Talk.

Obama was born in Hawaii. Bush didn’t cause 9-11. And if you post otherwise to Facebook, you either have a book coming out or most of your brain has been ravaged by earwigs.

3. Phony Event Planner

You know how at Christmas, you’d see a giant green box with a shiny red bow and you just knew it was going to be a new mountain bike, G.I. Joe army base, or Sega Genesis?

And then you opened it and it was Hanes briefs and a set of flash cards to help you with your multiplication tables.

Well every time I receive a Facebook event invite that’s not an event—usually from someone who thinks marking whether or not you’re “attending”  12/12/2012 or a Toothache or Harry Potter’s fictional birthday party is just the height of comedy—I get that same Kill Bill-esque murderous rage as when I held an abacus instead of a radio-controlled tank on Christmas morning.

2. Check In A.D.D.

I love location-based social media as much as the next nerd, and Facebook places is neat-o, but I don’t need to know if you just entered a Shell station, your work for the 1,000th time, or a Port-a-Jon.

(Okay—the Port-a-Jon check-in would be kind of awesome.)

1. Water My Crops

I hate your farm.  I despise your Mafia. I’d like to cast salt over your Facebook fields and employ a computer hacking hitman to destroy your computer.

I know it’s addictive—but so is crack, and we here at Bradmouth aren’t down with that. It transformed Whitney Houston into Flava-Flav in about a month.

So what do you think these 1980’s era video games are doing to you?

Here’s a questionnaire to help you.

~Could you update me more quickly about the status of your crops, or your child’s grades at school?

~When your phone rings, are you more expecting a beet harvest update or a human voice?

~Have you seen the sun today?

You know how to interpret your answers.

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