5 Posts That Justify Facebook News Feed Banning

Posted on April 23, 2011 by


5. Poop Go Down the Hole.

Any mention of your bowels, potty experience, or generally anything involving bodily expulsions. I’m not your mother. I don’t care. And neither does Facebook.

4. Crazy Una-Bomber Political Talk.

Obama was born in Hawaii. Bush didn’t cause 9-11. And if you post otherwise to Facebook, you either have a book coming out or most of your brain has been ravaged by earwigs.

3. Phony Event Planner

You know how at Christmas, you’d see a giant green box with a shiny red bow and you just knew it was going to be a new mountain bike, G.I. Joe army base, or Sega Genesis?

And then you opened it and it was Hanes briefs and a set of flash cards to help you with your multiplication tables.

Well every time I receive a Facebook event invite that’s not an event—usually from someone who thinks marking whether or not you’re “attending”  12/12/2012 or a Toothache or Harry Potter’s fictional birthday party is just the height of comedy—I get that same Kill Bill-esque murderous rage as when I held an abacus instead of a radio-controlled tank on Christmas morning.

2. Check In A.D.D.

I love location-based social media as much as the next nerd, and Facebook places is neat-o, but I don’t need to know if you just entered a Shell station, your work for the 1,000th time, or a Port-a-Jon.

(Okay—the Port-a-Jon check-in would be kind of awesome.)

1. Water My Crops

I hate your farm.  I despise your Mafia. I’d like to cast salt over your Facebook fields and employ a computer hacking hitman to destroy your computer.

I know it’s addictive—but so is crack, and we here at Bradmouth aren’t down with that. It transformed Whitney Houston into Flava-Flav in about a month.

So what do you think these 1980’s era video games are doing to you?

Here’s a questionnaire to help you.

~Could you update me more quickly about the status of your crops, or your child’s grades at school?

~When your phone rings, are you more expecting a beet harvest update or a human voice?

~Have you seen the sun today?

You know how to interpret your answers.