5. Poop Go Down the Hole.
Any mention of your bowels, potty experience, or generally anything involving bodily expulsions. I’m not your mother. I don’t care. And neither does Facebook.
4. Crazy Una-Bomber Political Talk.
Obama was born in Hawaii. Bush didn’t cause 9-11. And if you post otherwise to Facebook, you either have a book coming out or most of your brain has been ravaged by earwigs.
3. Phony Event Planner
You know how at Christmas, you’d see a giant green box with a shiny red bow and you just knew it was going to be a new mountain bike, G.I. Joe army base, or Sega Genesis?
And then you opened it and it was Hanes briefs and a set of flash cards to help you with your multiplication tables.
Well every time I receive a Facebook event invite that’s not an event—usually from someone who thinks marking whether or not you’re “attending” 12/12/2012 or a Toothache or Harry Potter’s fictional birthday party is just the height of comedy—I get that same Kill Bill-esque murderous rage as when I held an abacus instead of a radio-controlled tank on Christmas morning.
2. Check In A.D.D.
I love location-based social media as much as the next nerd, and Facebook places is neat-o, but I don’t need to know if you just entered a Shell station, your work for the 1,000th time, or a Port-a-Jon.
(Okay—the Port-a-Jon check-in would be kind of awesome.)
1. Water My Crops
I hate your farm. I despise your Mafia. I’d like to cast salt over your Facebook fields and employ a computer hacking hitman to destroy your computer.
I know it’s addictive—but so is crack, and we here at Bradmouth aren’t down with that. It transformed Whitney Houston into Flava-Flav in about a month.
So what do you think these 1980’s era video games are doing to you?
Here’s a questionnaire to help you.
~Could you update me more quickly about the status of your crops, or your child’s grades at school?
~When your phone rings, are you more expecting a beet harvest update or a human voice?
~Have you seen the sun today?
You know how to interpret your answers.
aguynamedjustin
dahedgehog
saradobiebauer
Brad White
BRADMOUTH 
T.D. McFrost
April 24, 2011
I don’t use facebook (yet), but the things you described are both funny and annoying. #3 was crazy HILARIOUS, and I can imagine the look on your face as you hold a pair of Hanes instead of a Sega. AHAHAH
Do people really post about their bowel movements on their wall? SERIOUSLY?!
Brad White
April 24, 2011
Yes. They do. Read one last week. Disgusting…
Millie Jones
April 24, 2011
AMEN TO ALL OF THE ABOVE—ESPECIALLY # 1 !!!!!!!!!!
Brad White
April 24, 2011
Diggin your enthusiasm! Thanks for reading
annie
April 24, 2011
Brad, just an update… The fiber one muffins you suggested are working great! That last trip to the can was pretty productive. Oh, and I was wondering if you could drop by my virtual flowerbed this week and water my sunflowers (i know how you love sunflowers). I’ll be at the Royal Wedding… or did you get that invite, as well? And, if you have time, on thursday, my dragon needs to be fed.
Thanks brad. You’re a great friend.
Brad White
April 24, 2011
Ha! Good stuff (why don’t you write your own article?)
annie
April 25, 2011
Brad, don’t you remember that my senior superlative was Biggest Procrastinator? I will totally write an article, but you probably won’t receive it until my 6-month old graduates college.
Brad White
April 25, 2011
Better late than never?
Medeia Sharif
April 26, 2011
I don’t use FB as much as I used to. I do pop in at least once a day. The app on my phone is kind of annoying. I hate it when my phone chimes because someone poked me, some pervy looking guy wants to friend me, or someone invited me to an event I can’t possibly attend due to location.
Brad White
April 26, 2011
I still don’t understand what I’m supposed to do with a “poke.”
And hey! I’m hosting a Memorial Day party next week in French Guyana if you’d like to come!
kelly
May 6, 2011
check in: my bathroom – I’m peeing
Brad White
May 7, 2011
Ha, nice.
And then commenting on it yourself: “It burned. :(“