3D Guide to Upscale Condominium Vocabulary

Posted on June 6, 2011 by


Open floor plan (n.)–Your freaking bedroom has no door.


That’s right, I never would’ve thought I’d have to ask—does the room you’re claiming to be a room actually have a door?

Well, loyal readers, you now have to ask that question.

At some point condo, building poop sacks—and I mean poop sacks of a scale not seen since Ben Roethlisberger assumed public restroom was code word for “brothel”—decided that you could call a Port-A-John sized space an “open bedroom”  without even slapping a tarp across the opening.

If it doesn’t have a door, it’s not a “room.”

Stupid poop sacks.

Breathe (used to be a verb)–Very small decks.

If the only cookout party you can fit on your “deck” consists of a Forman Grill and 1 and a 1/2 Ewoks, then call it what it is—a ledge with a railing.

And no, giving it hipster trendouche terms like “breathe” or “sunspace” only pisses off property seekers more.

Free Living Area (n.)–Your DVD player better double as your blender.

Do you like to eat all your meals on your couch? Do you enjoy feeling the heat of your microwave on your neck while watching your television?

If so, then make sure you check into new age urban living, where apparently the idea of kitchen is as yesterday churning your own butter.