Browsing Archives of Author »Brad White«

Nashville Snow and Ice Survival Guide Entry 1: The Forecast

January 24, 2013

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If you’re reading this, then you understand the dangers of living in Nashville during the winter months, realize that escape is not an option, and want to ensure you live to see winter 2014. Take your right hand from your mouse (left hand if you lost family members in the Salem Witch Trials), move it […]

The Only Noises Worse than Christian Bale’s Batman Voice

July 14, 2012

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With The Dark Knight Rises only days away, I thought it appropriate to list the top ten sounds in the world that I find more annoying than Christian Bale’s odd, seemingly Hemorrhoid-induced portrayal of Batman’s angry-time voice. 10. Children laughing. 9. Taylor Swift. 8. The emergency broadcast warning signal. 7. Anything Steve Doocy says, ever, ever. […]

3D Guide to Upscale Condominium Vocabulary

June 6, 2011

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Open floor plan (n.)–Your freaking bedroom has no door. Doors. That’s right, I never would’ve thought I’d have to ask—does the room you’re claiming to be a room actually have a door? Well, loyal readers, you now have to ask that question. At some point condo, building poop sacks—and I mean poop sacks of a […]

5 Posts That Justify Facebook News Feed Banning

April 23, 2011

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5. Poop Go Down the Hole. Any mention of your bowels, potty experience, or generally anything involving bodily expulsions. I’m not your mother. I don’t care. And neither does Facebook. 4. Crazy Una-Bomber Political Talk. Obama was born in Hawaii. Bush didn’t cause 9-11. And if you post otherwise to Facebook, you either have a […]

Black Swan: A Sharp Wing to the Face

March 24, 2011

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Black Swan in a Sentence: Extremely visceral and disorienting, like if a tearful Snow White sliced her own forearms with tin can tops while the Seven Dwarfs watched and whistled  “Heigh Ho.” Why I Almost Grew Black Wings: The pacing is highly innovative. Darren Aronofsky masterfully uses the first hour to screw with your senses, […]

Stolen Tweets: History Edition

March 2, 2011

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Glee: Deep Fried Birthday Cake Ice Cream Sprinkled with Happiness

February 16, 2011

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I didn’t want to watch Glee. In fact, I can say that I successfully and artfully dodged all the rabid exhortations from friends and family to watch the first season. Not even when my brother expertly performed the entire Brittney Spears episode, word for word and step for step, did I relent. (Actually that’s not […]